As we all know, Beer pairs great with just about everything. What about the opposite sex? As Homer Simpson once said, “They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!” Shockingly, most of the Beer Guidelines can also apply to judging, say, a new lady friend. Know the guidelines by heart? Appearance, head, smell, taste, and mouthfeel are the basics.
How did your lady judge to style? Is she a Stout Irish lass or a bit on the Wee Heavy side? A thin Blonde? An American Strong? Personally I prefer my women like I prefer my beer; dark and bubbly, slightly sweet with a big mouth! If all this is true, one could easily apply a lady equivalent to any beer out there. Here’s some girls and their beer doppelgangers:
Christina Hendricks = Bootleggers Brewery Knuckle Sandwich. What drives men mad? Joan from AMC’s Mad Men of course! “Big Red” as known in the show is strong and authoritative, just like her Bootleggers Double IPA counterpart. Both are throwbacks to a different era and are easily perfect 10’s (Knuckle Sandwich is 10% ABV). Fragrant aroma and a gorgeous rusty hue, both handle Mad Men drunks with authority. Simcoe hops and a silicone chest? Maybe! Seeing, (and tasting) is believing.
Gwen Stefani = Anaheim Brewery Hefeweizen. There’s no doubt if Gwen ever came back to her home town of Anaheim, CA, she would go B-A-N-A-N-A-S for this beer. Big time banana and bubble gum aroma in this traditional Bavarian Hefeweizen. No beating around the Bush here, folks, this beer rocks steady and is hella good. I’m walking into spiderwebs with the puns here in this tragic kingdom on Sunday Morning. Ha!
Heidi Klum = Iron Fist Renegade Blonde (Kölsch) Cologne, Germany gave birth to two gorgeous things: Kölch beer and Heidi Klum! Pale straw color, light bubbly head and zippy on the tongue on a hot summer day. Whether mowing the lawn, or walking down a runway, this beer is sure to refresh and look good while doing it!
Zooey Deschanel = TAPS Fishhouse & Brewery – Bière de Garde Both are kind of quirky, natural, sweet and floral. Deschanel is French, so is the style! Silver medal at GABF and nominated for a Golden Globe…omg so metallic! Sadly, she can’t drink this beer because it has gluten! Oh Zooey.
Kim Kardashian = Allagash Black The name of the beer alone popped a mental image of Kim’s all-encompassing dimply rump crevàce. If the two were to marry, they would make baby Allagashians! Sadly I would watch a show called Keeping up with the Allagashians. There needs to be a beer/sex tape PRONTO! Get to work Allagash!
Mila Kunis = Goose Island Bourbon County Russian Imperial Stout Black Swan and a Black Goose? Other than being totally sexy, there’s not much else Goose Island’s Russian Imperial Stout and Mila have in common. What’s that? She was born in the Soviet Union? Russian Imperial Stout? I guess that’s it. If there’s ever a movie about Catherine the Great, she should get the nod.
Bonus! Youngs Double Chocolate Stout – Sophia Vergera
(This is a redux post cleaned up a bit with better photos and a few additions)
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