Alarm on my phone goes off playing a random song; today it’s Frank Turner’s “I am Disappeared”. Oh the irony of waking up to that song in particular. Pop and toss my proper incognito non-beer logo clothes. Boom…what the hell? Thunder? Noooooo. It is. Crap. Where the hell is my rain jacket? Bust out the Wahl clippers for a little manscaping…gotta be sexy for all these brews.
On my drizzly drive down to the Fest, I ponder the parallels that can be drawn with beer and women. As Homer Simpson once said, “They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!” I wonder if Homer has ever tried a Flanders Red! Shockingly a lot of the BJCP judging guidelines can apply to judging, say, a new lady or man friend. Know the guidelines by heart? Appearance, head, smell, taste, mouthfeel, and overall are the basics. How did your friend judge to style? Is she a Stout Irish lass or a bit on the Wee Heavy side? Blonde Ale? A Robust Porter? Personally I prefer cold, dark, and bubbly gals, I mean beer. Yeah.
If all this is true, one could easily apply a person equivalent to any beer out there. Here’s a few OC beers and who I think would represent them:
- The Bruery – Orchard White Gweneth Paltrow. Pale straw yellow beer with slight hints of lavender, Apple and other fruits. Goes good with English Cheese, perhaps a Devon Blue. She has a kid named Apple, right? Holy Moses! Pictured here near an orchard, in a white top, next to Lavender. What are the odds of that? Obviously Patrick Rue’s inspiration. I wonder who the inspiration was for Orchard Black.
Bootleggers – Knuckle Sandwich, Kristina Hendricks. A 10% ABV beer goes well with a perfect 10 gal in my book. Strong, perfumy aroma, reddish hue, and handles a bunch of Mad Men drunks. This picture is from the Golden Globes. Is it just me, or is SHE the Golden Globes?
- Anaheim Brewery – Hefeweissen = Gwen Stefani. There’s no doubt if Mrs. Stefani ever came back to her home town, she would go B-A-N-A-N-A-S for this beer. Big time banana and clove in this traditional German Heffe. No beating around the Bush here, folks, this beer rocks steady and is hella good.
- Old Orange Brewery – Street Fair, Heidi Klum. As an avid Project Runway fan (don’t ask), I know Heidi is from Germany. Where in Germany? Cologne. What kind of beer comes from Cologne? Kölsch! What kind of beer is Street Fair? Kolsch Style! Got milk? Heidi does! I hope so with ten kids! I hear she clubs a baby Seal from time to time.
- Cismontane – Coulter IPA = Ann Coulter. Aside from the obvious name, it’s a conservative IPA, decent body with minimal head. This is the first and last political joke you’ll see on this blog, promise. Sorry Cismontane. If I come up with a better one I’ll edit this out. I do really love you guys.
- Bayhawk – Honey Blonde = Pamela Anderson. Bayhawk and Baywatch a stretch? I didn’t think so. One sip of this chick beer and you’ll know why it fits.
- Budweiser – Lager = Fergie. Four words: pee on a stage.
That’s enough for today! Have any others you’d like to send? Do so in the comments!
Just got my pass and headed in! Does my hair look okay?